Where do you go: when you want to be lost??
by lisek16
Summary: In an Alternate universe, where Vaughn never went to Taipei- but did catch up with Sydney at the train station: Now as Sydney tries to pull away, Vaughn won't let her...and Sydney learns where she's supposed to be.... R


Title: Where do you go; when you want to get lost?  
Author: Elise K (aka lisek16)  
Email: lisek16@yahoo.com  
Feedback: Sure. Love to hear what others think about what I write.   
Distribution: let me know.  
Disclaimer: don't own Alias---- Alias is owned by ABC, Touchtone, is the creation of JJ Abrams and Bad Robot Productions  
Summary: In an Alternate universe, where Vaughn never went to Taipei- but did catch up with Sydney at the train station: Now as Sydney tries to pull away, Vaughn won't let her...and Sydney learns where she's supposed to be....   
Rating: pg-13  
Genre: angst/romance  
A/n:: There are stars around the song lyrics, they are from a song titled: "Need To Be Next to You" sung by Leigh Nash of Sixpence none the richer. The song appeared on The BOUNCE soundtrack, but I thought it fit for the story too.   
  
  
  
WHERE DO YOU GO WHEN YOU WANT TO GET LOST?  
  
  
I had gone to the warehouse for my debriefing with Vaughn. I stayed focused. I keep my eyes diverted away from his. I paid extra close attention not to touch his hand or to allow myself to brush against him. I tried to dissociate myself from his voice.  
  
I nodded my head and looked down, answering his questions as simply as one can do without breaking the monotone voice I had adapted. I tried so hard to be so distant and I let my heart's cries for love fall upon deaf ears. I let my self grow numb. It was the only way I knew he'd be safe.   
  
Maybe Vaughn had the right idea. I had noticed he had been distancing himself away from me, but I just didn't want to lose him. I hated that he had acted differently. Now I was acting the same way though. When he followed me to the train station, and told me that he looked for me at the pier and all my other hideaways, I knew we were too close. And too close always lead to danger or a dismal death. Vaughn shouldn't be destined for any of that.  
  
His job title of 'handler' was not supposed to be taken literally. He wasn't supposed to actually handle me in the way that I wanted him too. He was only supposed to inform me of counter missions and debrief me on past events. It was never in his job description to hug me when I had a bad day. He didn't get a promotion because he'd listened to me complain when I mission had gone awry.   
  
As I left our debriefing, the sense of numbness didn't cease. I got in my car, started it up and put on the radio. The beginnings on a song blasted through my speakers and as I attempted to slowly pull away, I didn't know where to go though.  
  
*----I've been running from these feelings for so long--  
Telling my heart I didn't mean it----  
Pretending that I was better off alone---  
But I know that it's just a lie----  
So afraid of taking a chance again----  
So afraid of what I'd feel inside----*  
  
I wanted to go home, to that place that held milky white solace on a bad day…but that wasn't my apartment. I wanted to drive to the pier and escape, but the pier wasn't a good enough listener. I would have gone to the train station, but that was a hideaway. I didn't want to hide. I wanted to get lost. Anyways, the train station held memories of Vaughn. Where could I go…?  
  
I wanted to be close to Vaughn. I wanted to love him. I wanted the world to stop and for me to get my chance for love…but as long as SD-6 was in the picture that wasn't an option. It wasn't just SD-6 that stood in the way. There were so many things that kept us apart. There were our parents, the CIA, all the people who wanted me dead….it was just a colossal compilation of everything.   
  
*----But I need to be next to you-----  
I need to share every breath with you-----  
I need to know I can see you smiling each morning-----  
Look into your eyes each night-----  
For the rest of my life-----*  
  
Why did the song on the radio have to mirror my life? Why did it have to be so true? Why did the truth have to hurt so much? I suppose 'sometimes the truth hurts', but for me the pain never ceded. I stopped my car, I hadn't moved very far. I was contemplating where to go, but hadn't gotten further then the edge of the blacktopped parking lot. I saw someone jogging up to me. It was Vaughn. I bit my lip.  
  
I wanted to cry. Here I was fighting a loosing battle with my heart over him, and he comes and gives my heart the advantage. He knocked on my car window, I leaned over and opened the door, I wanted to hide the tears that welled in the corners of my eyes, but it was too difficult to hide from Vaughn.  
  
*--------Here with you, Near with you----  
I need to be next to you---  
  
Right here with you is right where I belong-----  
I'd lose my mind if I could see you----  
Without you there is nothing in this life----  
That would make life worth living for----  
I can't bear the thought of you not there------  
I can't fight what I feel anymore------*  
  
He got in and slammed the door, he handed me my purse. I must have left it inside. I mumbled thank you. The song played on.   
  
*-----'Cause I need to be next to you----  
I need to share every breath with you----  
I need to know I can see you smiling each morning----  
Look into your eyes each night----  
For the rest of my life-----*  
  
He looked over to me. He turned off the radio. He looked into my eyes, I didn't avoid him. I wanted to melt, but I didn't. "Sydney…" he began. I didn't want to let him finish. He would probably say an incredibly sweet something and I couldn't take that.   
"Where can I go Vaughn?" I asked. He looked puzzled. I elaborated, "Where can I go when I want to be lost? I can't go to the pier or the train station, or anywhere else because I exist there."  
  
"Sydney?..." Vaughn tried again. "I just want to be normal. I want to escape the lies and pain. My enemies are still out there ….and I don't want to...I don't want to lose you too!" I was sobbing now, Vaughn looked sympathetic and he hugged me. I cried on his shoulder. I allowed his hands to lightly rub my back; his hands canvassing the thin layer of my pink cotton tee shirt. His hands lightly grazing flesh which had been black and blue; abused and used; scarred and marred from life and work. It felt good to be comforted. It had been a long time since I could be weak.  
  
"Mind if I get lost with you?" he mused. My tear stained face nodded. We sat entangled in each others arms; a mixture between a prolonged emotional embrace and a sensual union. We stared at the moon.   
  
"Where do you go when you want to get lost?" I asked again. My voice hoarse from crying "Right here" he answered his sweater wet from my tears. "Right where?" I pried, knowing what he meant despite the dearth of his words. "Next to you…" he said. His lips met mine, and I finally felt like I was right where I was supposed to be.  
  
'I need to be next to you too…' I thought. We sat alone in the silence and got lost in each other. Skin, heat, passion, carnal lust….they all melted together and granted us the sense of protection and normalcy that we craved.   
Maybe getting lost was a good idea…maybe….maybe lost was where I was supposed to be…  
  
*The End* 


End file.
